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If something doesn’t last, or is shorter lived than you had hoped, was it still worthwhile? I know most people define important life relationships or chapters by how long they were able to experience them, but really, isn’t it sometimes more meaningful to have had and lost, than to have taken those things for granted…or to have not had them at all in the first place? It’s easy to think that we have failed at something when it’s no longer ours or if it’s taken away prematurely, but I think it is quite the opposite. We never leave an experience without taking something away from it – what we do, what happens to us, and who we are around defines our life. You are never the same after each new moment, each heartache, each joy. Nothing is ever truly ours, and there is such beauty in that. It’s also a source of anxiety and stress for some, especially when you realize that the people you love the most can be taken away at any moment. But then I think – if I die, what would I want the people I love the most to feel? I would want them to celebrate my existence and remember me with happiness, not look back with sorrow. It makes no sense that someone you love would want you to be sad, especially when remembering them. I think this way of coping should be applied to other areas of life where we experience loss or significant change – that maybe we should be grateful for the lessons and love they leave behind. With that being said though, I do believe in owning the feelings that you have deep down inside. If you feel sadness, anger or jealousy then there is usually a source for that. The real challenge is finding it and figuring out why it’s there. Sometimes it’s insecurity, sometimes it’s fear based. However, you can’t fix it until you find it. Those deep-rooted emotions can be ugly to discover and get rid of, but it’s possible. It’s important to remember that your purpose is to find peace, joy and love…then be open to receiving it when you are lucky enough to stumble upon it.
Connections with other people, and even yourself, can define a meaningful life. I guess it’s because all of us want to be accepted on some level…or maybe it’s because a certain magic can happen when you have a moment of understanding with another human being. Sharing moments of happiness can make an experience that much better. When I think about all of the people in my life, I love very specific things about each one of them – and all the reasons are very different. It’s so interesting to watch another person’s path unfold, and it is tremendously bonding to know that everyone faces similar life challenges and joys. Our bodies are made of the same things and we all come in to this world and leave it the same way. But each person’s journey is drastically different and unique. Some people’s paths will compliment your own, and those are the ones you end up having a deeper connection with. Those connections can turn into friendships, intimate relationships, or professional partnerships. Each one of them has a priceless value and impact on your own life for however long they are in it. I am very grateful for the people in my life right now.
I can be guilty of trying to rush things when I get excited or inspired. When I realize I want to do something it just can’t happen fast enough. It’s always a great exercise for me to practice patience and to let things naturally take their own course. I read a quote the other day that I really liked… it said that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. If that’s not true I don’t know what is. But on the other hand, getting what you want can be an amazing rush…especially if you worked really hard for it. There are so many wonderful surprises along the way if we are open to them. While I can get tunnel vision on a goal or a desire, I can also be very flexible when I’m taken off course. Some of the best things have happened to me when I least expected it. In fact, those have been some of the happiest times of my life.
Yesterday was a good day. I attended my last staff meeting at my current job and a lot of kind words were said about the work I have done while being there. Of course, I cried. It’s not everyday that you get to hear such special things. I’m really going to miss seeing them every day and working together for such a great cause. I even had flowers sent to me (thanks Andrea!) since today is my last day. I feel very appreciated. It’s not often that you get to say that about a job.
From the time I started working there two years ago up to this very moment, significant life changes have happened to me across the board. Two of my coworkers/friends pointed out to me yesterday that I’m a very different person from when I first walked through those doors, both internally and externally. One of them said that I was more mature in a sense, too. That’s probably a fair statement… as it would be hard to go through those big transitions without learning a few things here and there.
Last night after having a drink or two with some of my work friends, I met Vero for dinner and an art event downtown. Since I didn’t want to wear my “official” Halloween costume just yet, she let me borrow her pickled okra costume from a few years ago. I honestly felt like a large green penis walking around. It was pretty funny. I always have a good time with Vero, we are very close and familiar with each other’s lives so there is never any need for exhausting back stories during conversations. We’ve shared many private details while on morning runs. I enjoy having that kind of emotional intimacy with people where there is nothing to hide. I feel like you don’t truly know a person until that level of communication has been reached. I think it is good to practice being vulnerable and transparent around others as it puts us in touch more with ourselves.
So today is Day 1 of Halloween dress-up!!! I am super pumped. I meet my friends at Rocky Horror tonight at 7:30, and I’m going to need every second of that 2 1/2 hours after work to get ready. I will be sharing photos tomorrow. Have a great Friday!
Weigh-In Wednesday: 151.6
I kicked some serious ass last night working on my Halloween costume. There is still a lot of work to be done though, and only one night left to do it in. I was a little worried there for a minute that I wouldn’t be able to live up to my Katy Perry costume from last year, but I think this is going to be just as cool. I am kinda impressing myself with my ability to sew and put a pretty cool theme together, especially since I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually sewn something in my life. With that being said, it still isn’t my favorite thing to do since I’m constantly poking my fingers with the needle.
For those of you who live in the Birmingham area, there are several great things to do in town this weekend. First, Friday night is the traditional Rocky Horror Picture Show and costume contest at the Alabama Theatre. It is definitely one of my favorite Halloween events in town. I usually get there pretty early to watch (and sometimes participate) in the two costume contests, dance to DJ Stevo (whose V mask will be extra relevant this year), then I stay for about 3/4s of the movie itself before heading off to some other parties around town. Saturday night is the big Peaches and Scream block party on 2nd North, then my friend Philip’s annual party on 1st North, and finally the always super awesome MCCS Halloween Bash at Avondale Castle. They have the best drag costume show in town. That was definitely my favorite party last year by far.
I only have three days left at my job, and I’m becoming a little sad. I am really going to miss my friends, who just so happen to be my coworkers, that I get to see everyday. I know that I am going to make equally as good of friends where I am going, for sure, but I just get so attached to people and sentimental when it’s time to say goodbye to a big chapter in life. The good news is that I’m only going to be a little over a mile away from where I currently am, so I can come visit and have lunch or drinks with my girls any time I’d like. I am very lucky in that respect.
Without going into too much detail, it’s time to spill the beans: I start a new job on November 1st! While it’s definitely no secret that I love where I’ve been for the past few years, especially the people, this is an opportunity for growth that I couldn’t refuse. It’s also a move outside of the non-profit world, which is bittersweet. Having a cause is always a great motivator, but this specific move is going to allow me greater creative freedom and new responsibilities to learn from. I am very excited indeed… so keep me on your mind as I go through this transition! All positive vibes are accepted.
Last night I got down to the nitty gritty of my Halloween costume. It’s going to be equally as awesome as my Katy Perry costume last year, I do believe. I am glad I got started a few days ahead of time, as I have a lot of hot gluing and sewing to do. My cats are especially enjoying the extra fabric and feathers lying around. As a matter of a fact, Kit-ten never came back upstairs last night… she feel in love with all of the plastic bags and slept on them instead.
I have a big thing coming up in the next day or two – my 600th consecutive post! That’s pretty hard to wrap my head around (that’s what she said!). I’m not sure if that’s awesome or if I’m just plain crazy… or maybe a little of both. People still ask me why I write every single day, and the answer is simple – it’s momentum. I get great motivation from consistency, especially when everything else in life is changing at a rapid pace around me. I was talking to a friend the other day about how everything in their life was new, just to realize that I also fall into that same category. There are few things that are the same compared to January of this year, and now adding to that a new job. Sometimes significant change can leave you drained and unstable, but I think it’s done just the opposite for me. Instead I feel challenged, energized, excited and powerful. I did this all by myself, I changed my own life. Things could have very easily stayed the same, as so many other people choose the path of least resistance. I am proud of myself for going out on a limb and taking big risks. And because of my actions, I think the coming rewards are going to make it all worthwhile.
I am pretty bummed this morning, as I realized last night that I had the date wrong for a pumpkin carving get-together that I thought was today… but it’s actually next weekend. Boo! Maybe I will still carve a pumpkin on my own? All I know is that it’s a gorgeous day outside and I can’t wait to be in the fresh air. Like, right this second. It’s also possible that I could go to a coffee shop and write a little. That might be nice.
I am feeling a little down today. I am sure that will be fixed as soon as I actually get out of my bed though. You know what sounds good? Eggs. I love eggs for breakfast (which is soon to be lunch in disguise…). I need to make that happen!
I think there is some significant change on my horizon. Nothing to do with my personal goals, but in another realm of my life. I am sure I will be writing about it in the next few weeks to come, but in the meantime, send me all the positive vibes you can. I am going to be using every ounce of courage I have for this one, I believe. But all for good things!
I am proud to report that I’ve eaten really good in the past few days, and I am feeling much better about my self-image. I can get a little dramatic about that from time to time, but I think that is a pretty natural thing to do when you’ve lost a significant amount of weight. In the back of your mind the greatest fear is that it might come back, so weight fluctuations can trigger insecurities. Also, it is good to be reminded that I can’t eat whatever I want, whenever I want to. Balance must always be present.
I’ve been wondering what I would write for this blog post when it was time to talk about Mike and I splitting up. Well, today is that day. Mike wrote his own entry last night after I went to bed, which you can read by clicking here, and the first thing I did this morning was read it. The original plan was for me to write my own, then read his afterwards… but I couldn’t wait. I’m glad I did too, it brought a smile to my face.
I hate the word “divorce”. It has all kinds of negative connotations that don’t apply in our situation. I have a very strong belief that good things don’t have to last forever for them to have been worthwhile. Our marriage & relationship has changed me in so many positive ways I can’t even count. If you were to ask me if I regretted a second of it, I would say no… and quite the contrary. People change. Relationships change. We have choices, and for good reason. We are never stuck – we are constantly evolving physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The hardest part of all of this will be the grieving. Our main goal is to stay the best of friends, but we both know that ”letting go” will be a process that we can’t predict at this time. It will be extremely hard to come home at night and not be able to see him. I will miss the comfort & friendship that we have with each other while living under the same roof. I will miss the laughter & the smiles. Sure, we will always have these things with each other, but it will be different. We’ve had some seriously intense conversations over the past few weeks, so we did not arrive at the decision to split up lightly. There are very strong reasons for us to end our marriage, but we will never, ever end our love for each other or our deep friendship.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, or for Mike. But I have a feeling that we will figure out all of these emotions with time and move on with ease. We will always have each other, and we’ve promised that no matter what we will always keep the foundation of our relationship. I know that at any point in the future I can call him, or meet him for dinner, and it will feel exactly the same between us. That’s a huge comfort in of itself. I am so grateful for every second that I’ve had with that man.
So a new journey begins for the both of us. One full of life & hope.
Bridget Jones’s perspective on happiness – “It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth or power but the pursuit of attainable goals: and what is a diet if not that?”
I love that book.
I think that’s 100% true – happiness can come from reaching attainable goals. Sometimes my own can borderline on the unattainable. You never know what you are capable of unless you TRY.
This brings up the subject of failure. Yesterday on Facebook someone posted, “If you’ve never failed, then you’ve never tried something new.” Failure is a part of succeeding, and can make it even sweeter when you’ve finally reached your goal. Failure is never a reason to give up.
Another life theme that I’d like to talk about today since it has been happening a lot to me lately, is change. Change is thrilling, scary & motivating. I remember a long time ago when I had just graduated high school, I was on a plane to Chicago to start the next chapter of my life – college. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I won’t ever forget – the feeling that things were never going to be the same again. I would never have the same relationship with my family because I would no longer be living at home. The thrill of being in a big city all by myself at the age of 18 was undeniable. My relationship with my then boyfriend would take on a whole new perspective, and not for the better. Everything in my life was about to change in a big way, and I could feel it in every bone in my body. I think this degree of change is happening to me again right now. Something bigger than my imagination is on the horizon, and it is coming soon. All you can do is brace yourself and try to take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way. Life is full of peaks and valleys… and I’m gonna climb this peak all the way to the top!