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I have a temporary Tattly on my arm right now that reads, What To Focus On: HAPPY. It was the one I picked out in a pile from James’ collection. There are about 25 rings around the outside of the word happy, as if it’s a bull’s-eye marker. I wonder what the rings stood for in the designer’s mind – probably any one of the thousand other things that we can worry about any given day or moment. It really is just that simple though, to focus on what makes us feel good. Are you in a job that makes you happy, are you in a relationship that makes you happy, are you living in a city or house that makes you happy? If the answer is no to any one of those, then you haven’t been true to yourself at some point. You’ve gone off course into the realm of acceptance. There are absolutely some things that are beyond our own control, but how we feel isn’t one of them. We create our own environment, we have chosen to be where we are at this very moment. Things will become unbalanced from time to time and changes will have to be made to correct your path. I consider myself to be a fairly lucky person and my path is rarely free from obstacles. But sometimes if I just change the way I look at a problem, or slightly adjust my perspective, the obstacle shrinks. Sometimes what I perceive as an obstacle is actually helpful, but I couldn’t understand until I reached the other side. All that to say, maybe worry shouldn’t have so much power over us. Instead let’s look at the bright side, because there is usually one to be found. By focusing on the happy we are surely going in the right direction.
Weigh-In Wednesday: 152.8
It looks cold outside, and according to my phone it is a chilly 47 degrees. Cold weather makes me want to indulge in some of my greatest comforts – snuggly sweaters, blankets, heaters and warm drinks like hot chocolate or decaf coffee. It also makes me want to stay under the covers a little longer in the morning. One of the absolute worst feelings when it’s cold outside is to try and run… it’s the pits. Since you know you are going to eventually get warm, and fast, you have to dress accordingly, so that first 10 minutes sucks like no other. Can you tell that I’m looking forward to that?
I’m going to go out on a limb here (oh wait, I was already on one…) and say that the feeling of winter is a very similar to the state of mind that encourages you to gain weight. Winter is not comfortable, you need to put things on your body in order to protect yourself and feel warm. I think sometimes we enter into hard phases of life and all we want to do it eat to put on those same type of layers to prevent certain things from happening to us. When we don’t feel good about how we look, we think we don’t have to worry so much about someone loving us then hurting us, or making us not feel important because we’ve already done that to ourselves. Emotional eating is almost a control thing – I’m going to hurt myself before you can. And sometimes once you start indulging that void with food, it’s hard to stop. You get bigger and start superficially proving to yourself that you aren’t worth it, all the while falling down a deep dark hole that’s very hard to get back out of. As someone who has crawled back out of that hole, I still feel very vulnerable to it because it will always be in my line of sight. But luckily for me I can see more clearly now to avoid falling in it. I am not interested in punishing myself anymore, I am only interested in finding and experiencing happiness. And it’s all as simple as a choice. We are never out of control. You are fooling yourself if you think otherwise.
Another similar thing that I like to remember from time to time is that nobody can make you feel anything. Common phrases like “you hurt me” or “you made me do this” are completely false. A person can only hurt you if you allow them to. You’ve made a choice to let them. I always think that is incredibly interesting as someone who pretty often lets other people dictate how I feel. I am very happy to say though that happens much less often now, and if it does, I am able to put it into perspective really fast. It gives me great power to know that a smile or a good mood is just one smart choice away.
I’ve been wondering what I would write for this blog post when it was time to talk about Mike and I splitting up. Well, today is that day. Mike wrote his own entry last night after I went to bed, which you can read by clicking here, and the first thing I did this morning was read it. The original plan was for me to write my own, then read his afterwards… but I couldn’t wait. I’m glad I did too, it brought a smile to my face.
I hate the word “divorce”. It has all kinds of negative connotations that don’t apply in our situation. I have a very strong belief that good things don’t have to last forever for them to have been worthwhile. Our marriage & relationship has changed me in so many positive ways I can’t even count. If you were to ask me if I regretted a second of it, I would say no… and quite the contrary. People change. Relationships change. We have choices, and for good reason. We are never stuck – we are constantly evolving physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
The hardest part of all of this will be the grieving. Our main goal is to stay the best of friends, but we both know that ”letting go” will be a process that we can’t predict at this time. It will be extremely hard to come home at night and not be able to see him. I will miss the comfort & friendship that we have with each other while living under the same roof. I will miss the laughter & the smiles. Sure, we will always have these things with each other, but it will be different. We’ve had some seriously intense conversations over the past few weeks, so we did not arrive at the decision to split up lightly. There are very strong reasons for us to end our marriage, but we will never, ever end our love for each other or our deep friendship.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, or for Mike. But I have a feeling that we will figure out all of these emotions with time and move on with ease. We will always have each other, and we’ve promised that no matter what we will always keep the foundation of our relationship. I know that at any point in the future I can call him, or meet him for dinner, and it will feel exactly the same between us. That’s a huge comfort in of itself. I am so grateful for every second that I’ve had with that man.
So a new journey begins for the both of us. One full of life & hope.