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I’ve been entertaining an unusual thought for the past day or two – to stop blogging every day. I almost have a physical reaction to that idea, because it’s become a part of who I am. But that’s why I’m considering it… what if I don’t write? And, why exactly do I write every day anyway? I’ve been feeling a little overexposed lately, but who’s to say that I have to talk about personal things. What am I trying to prove to myself, and to other people? I enjoy it because it makes me feel connected and even accepted on some level. But as I get older I need less acceptance from other people. The flip side is that I really do love to write out ideas and thoughts on life in general, and I have enjoyed the accountability of my commitment. As I become more self-aware though, I have less and less desire to do things just for the sake of doing them. For example, saying “I made a movie with Mo Rocca”, or “I compete in Half Ironmans”, and even case in point, “I have blogged every day for over 600 posts straight.” I feel like sometimes I am trying to sculpt a public image of myself that’s far from the reality of who I really am. Yes, I am capable of doing amazing things. But what if amazing things happen when no one else is there to witnesses them? Does it make it any less amazing? I don’t know. All that to say that I’m not stopping my blog any time soon, but it is a thought I have from time to time. I think it’s healthy to question.
I was talking to my therapist last week about having a “big” personality, and the fact that I’ve labeled myself as such. When I first said it, she agreed with me, but when I said it a second time she asked me how I defined it. I said that I felt like I was loud, extroverted, emotional, expressive, sometimes even a performer. But then I went on to contradict myself by saying that I felt like the real me isn’t that way at all. While I do have a lot of energy that can take form as excitement, I think who I am deep inside is actually a little introverted. The “real” me comes out when I do things around people who I don’t know. I have no problem doing things alone and really enjoying the time by myself. I could travel alone, eat alone, watch movies alone, go do festivals alone, and be completely happy. Probably because I take off that self-imposed pressure on myself to become something I’m not when around others. But there are people who I feel like my true self around – my family for sure, and a very few select number of friends. If you ever see me lounging around without make-up and messy hair, not really feeling inclined to have a conversation, then you are probably experiencing the real me. If you ever see me laugh so hard that I start to cry, you are probably experiencing the real me. I think she needs to come out more… but not for your experience, for my own.
This morning was my first day of boot camp at Firm Body Boot Camps (Homewood Park location), and I feel like I might vomit. They have several classes throughout the day, with the first one being at 5:30… which is usually filled to capacity. I thought getting there at 6:30 was plenty early, considering the stars were still out when I arrived. As I drove up I saw people swings ropes and pulling tires, and I immediately questioned what I had gotten myself into. I was pretty nervous as it was without having a visual to go along with it. When I first walked up, Roman yelled a big hello to me from across the park and I quickly felt at ease. The people who attend these classes are not super athletes, just normal everyday folks, so I felt like I fit in pretty well right off the bat. The exercises/circuits that they have you do are easily modified to your own ability and are at relatively low risk for injury. With that being said, it totally kicked my butt and I literally almost threw up on the last circuit. Actually, I still feel like I might throw up. 
I am pretty sure as the day goes on it is going to be harder and harder to move, only because I haven’t done anything like this in a few months. All and all, it was super high energy fun and I am looking forward to the next session on Wednesday morning!
It was a really great weekend hopefully leading into a really great week. Yesterday I spent some time writing in a local coffee shop, which I really enjoy doing on a quiet day. I love to order a non-fat hot chocolate, put on my earphones and just type or write away. I usually end up daydreaming half of the time or watching other people doing the same thing as myself. I wonder what they are working on or looking at on their own computers or notebooks. Every now and then I make accidental eye contact with another coffee shop dweller and both of us quickly look away as if nothing ever happened. My favorite places to go in town are either Crestwood Coffee or Forest Perk, as both are very conducive to sparking creative energy.
I am pretty content with life right now. I feel like I am on the right path both professionally and personally. A good friend at work gave me a compliment last week and told me that I was a quick healer, since I am so proactive in trying to make myself better during or after difficult circumstances. And even though there may be some things that I want that I either can’t or don’t have in my life right now, I feel like I am pretty lucky duck.
It’s amazing what a week, or even a day, will bring. I had zero idea that I was even in the running for winning Birmingham Magazine’s Best Local Blog in the annual Best of Birmingham issue, but lo and behold… I got it. Click here to see the winners from every category. I actually found out b/c someone congratulated me on my Facebook wall. When I discovered that it was true, I ran up and down the halls at work saying, “I won! I won!”. :) There are numerous great blogs here in Birmingham, so it is an amazing honor and one that I’m extremely proud of.
When I started this blog in March of 2010, my only purpose was to post every day until I lost 45 pounds. Beyond that, I had no further plans for continuing it. However once I lost the weight, I discovered that I really really love writing in my blog. It’s something that I didn’t want to give up… so I didn’t. And here I am a year and a half later, almost 550 posts in and still going strong. I am so grateful that I discovered “my voice”. I’m also proud to say that I’ve maintained my weight loss with ease b/c of the accountability my blog gives me.
Since I’ve become a blogger myself, I have started to read more and more blogs by other people. You’d think it would happen the other way around, but it didn’t. I think sharing a common love with someone helps you to understand better what they are trying to communicate. I think about what they were doing when they decided to write their post, how long it took them, were they happy or sad, did they proof it first… all kinds of things. I can also see the great courage it takes to put something really personal out there for the world to see. It’s hard to be more vulnerable than posting something revealing on the internet. I’ve done it time and time again… sometimes wondering if I should have shared. But I am always glad that I did. I hope others feel the same way.
Best of Birmingham!
Weigh-In Wednesday #73: 148.8
So funny… I checked my blog dashboard this morning before writing my post and my hits were much higher than usual for this time of day. Then I noticed I had a few new comments that had to be moderated, and they were all from Sweden. :D They mentioned that the Rachael Ray Show aired there yesterday, so they were all visiting for the first time. So, hello to my new Swedish friends!! Please come back and visit often.
I’ve been meaning to talk about being a “non-writer” writer for a while. For those of you who read on a regular basis (especially those who subscribe to my blog) you know that I have typos from time to time and my grammar is probably less than perfect. I end up correcting things throughout the day that I’ve messed up in earlier posts, which doesn’t really do much for those who have already read it. With all of that being said – here is the deal. This is a blog. I try my best. I write every single day, occasionally more than once. I do not have an editor (except for my dear friend Sarah at work who catches stuff from time to time). For me, it’s about the content. It’s not about how well I structured a sentence. I hope you guys feel the same way, and if you are a fellow blogger I’m sure you can relate. I wanted to mention this especially for those who are considering writing a blog yourself, but are too afraid of your writing skills. I think that is secondary, because you will improve with time. I know I have, even though I still make mistakes. What’s really important is that you are writing and getting it out there. People will understand your intent and appreciate the effort. We are all beautifully imperfect, so why wouldn’t our blogs be the exact same way?
I look tired, I feel tired, I am tired. And it seems like I’m not the only one whose life is just GO! GO! GO! right now. Maybe it’s because the summer is coming to an end and schools are starting back this week & next. Our events season and programs are starting to kick up again at work, so that means my job is pretty busy right now. On the home front, I made some major progress last night and finished painting the whole bedroom. All that’s left to do now is trim work (a little upstairs, but mostly downstairs) and I can start painting the floors, which is the very last step. Luckily we have some flexibility on when we have to move our things out of our current house, so I’m sure I’ll move stuff this weekend & next. The renovation has definitely taken a lot longer than I expected, but I couldn’t be happier with the results! I can’t imagine trying to do what I’ve done to a whole house… that would take soooooooooo much more work and time. I guess that’s why people hire professionals to help them. :) By doing the work myself I’ve been able to buy things for the carriage house that I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. Photos soon, I promise!
I’ve had to put exercise on a back burner for the last two weeks, so I am really beginning to question doing the Half Ironman in Augusta in late September. I haven’t completely dismissed it, but I am giving myself some flexibility in case I am not ready physically. I would only have 7 weeks to train, but honestly it sounds like a lot of fun to not have a rigorous training schedule this time around. :D My body trains back up fairly quickly as long as I take caution with my knee. My next exercise goals will be to try again for the marathon next February, then follow it up with the Half Ironman in New Orleans in April. Those are my two staple races!
After doing some research, I’ve discovered that you can stay up to 90 days in Europe without needing any sort of visa. If I left with a solid outline, I think that would be plenty of time to write my book. The question is, how do I raise the money needed to stay there that long? I would need to have a solid financial and business plan in place for the trip & a predetermined time afterwards to really make it happen. Next fall is seeming like a great time to do this. And maybe I can make two dreams happen at once – working in Italy on book, then returning to live in New York. This is not out of the realm of possibility if I can sell my idea. Good thing I have some time to mull it over and then make it happen, if that is in fact the direction I’d like to take my life in.
If you get the chance today, you should click this link and check out my friend Will Nevin’s weight loss story today on CNN.com. Will finished losing 175 pounds earlier this year, and is good buddies with my friend Stephen Vinson. They both crossed the Mercedes Half Marathon finish line together in February, a very emotional sight to see (read my post on this here). Way to go Will! You can also read his blog here.
Last night I was on the panel for So You Think You Can Blog with two awesome women – Rachel Callahan (Grasping for Objectivity) and Laura Kate Whitney (Magic City Manifesto). (And of course Javacia Bowser (Georgia Mae) who put the whole event together and is also the brains behind See Jane Write.) Rachel is super smart and Laura is incredibly funny. I learned a lot from hearing both of them talk. We also had the treat of listening to Trish Bogdanchik of BirminghamMommy.com discuss ways to monetize your blog. There are so many talented women bloggers (and writers, for that matter) here in Birmingham. Last night made me really proud to be a part of this community. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I’m in the same league as these ladies, but I’m not telling on myself anytime soon.
It’s the big move-in weekend!! Well, not really. I highly doubt I will be finished painting… so it will more than likely be piece by piece next week as I can get to it after work. My goal is to be completely done with picking up a brush or a roller as of Sunday, though. If I see another can of paint anytime soon after that I can’t be help accountable for my actions. 
I’ll post more photos this weekend of the progress, it’s going to look completely different in there!
After the talk last night, I got several inquiries about writing a book based on my experiences in The Jen West Quest from people who had no idea that it was already in consideration. It was very affirming and inspiring to hear others suggest it. For those of you who follow my blog often, you know that I’ve struggled with the commitment. Deep down though, I know that the fire will be lit when it’s the right time to take it on. I’m not there quite yet, but it’s in the near future…
I always wake up before my alarm. It’s a talent. But this morning it woke me up from the deepest sleep that I can remember in a long, long time. I didn’t realize I was that tired. This would be the perfect day to sleep in if I didn’t have so much work to do… at work.
Do you know what I’ve been realizing lately? That I really love my job. I mean, sure, I’d much rather be slaving away at my novel and paintings on the shores of the Amalfi Coast in Italy all while getting paid the big bucks to do so (wait, can that still happen?), but in the meantime I’ve got a pretty sweet gig. I get to create art all day long for a nonprofit that helps children. A pretty noble cause in my book. I feel especially grateful because I’ve had jobs in the past that I didn’t love so much. Once you’ve had to go to a place every single day that you dread, it makes you really value a good job when it comes along. And I’m lucky to say that I’ve found one where I love the people I work with and really enjoy the work that I do.
It does make me think though, if I really could do anything, how would I choose to make a living? Honestly, I’d have to say that the happiest times in my career have been when I was working for myself on my own schedule. It was hard to make ends meet sometimes, but the freedom and flexibility really suited me. It’s strange to say “out loud”, but I would love to be a writer full-time. Maybe it’s time I ponder the real steps it would take to make that happen in the future for me. Another dream I have is to live in a bigger city, at least for a few years. New York City has always been on top of the list, but I would take other places into consideration too. I’m in a really good place in life to make that happen, though not this year. I don’t think it’s a good idea to make too many life altering changes so close together… so maybe moving can be something for 2012 or 2013. It’s really weird to see that dream in writing, especially NYC. It feels like something that could really happen. But no matter where the wind takes me, Birmingham will always be home.
(*Update: Ahhhh, shoot. I forgot it was Weigh-In Wednesday! I will weigh myself for tomorrow’s post.)
This 3 day weekend has been really nice! I’ve gotten lots of rest and spent quality time with my family for my dad’s birthday. My sister & niece Anna are heading back to Columbus around lunchtime today. Once they hit the road, I’m making my way to the gym for a good workout followed by some pool time. A few trashy magazines might also be in order.
I forgot to tell you guys about it, but this week I was given several cool opportunities in connection with my blog. I’ve been invited to be a part of two blog/social media panels during the month of July, and I was also surprised with an invitation to possibly be a writer for a new publication in town (learning more this week to firm up the details). It just blows my mind. There is nothing better than the unexpected sometimes!
I’ve been watching a lot of movies these days in “my room,” especially of the TBS & TNT variety. Yesterday I watched 27 Dresses followed by Pride and Prejudice. Sorry men, but Mr. Darcy never gets old. I love a good wedding movie, since weddings are ingrained into my soul from my days as a videographer in my 20′s. It’s a guilty pleasure, I have to admit. Some people love to throw you into a stereotype when admitting things like that, but honestly I love all kinds of movies. I review independent films each year for Wade Kwon as part of the Sidewalk Film Festival, so I also have obscure favorites like Dogtooth, House of the Devil and 45365.
Some of you may be wondering how I’m feeling since the big event on Friday… and I’m happy to report that I’m doing just fine. Just taking it day by day! Most importantly, I’m being really nice to myself and taking it as easy as possible. So far it’s working like a charm.
Healthy fish tacos for my dad's birthday dinner!
Bedside Daisies
Weigh-In Wednesday: 148.2
Last night I had dinner with my friend & mentor Elizabeth Bradley Hunter (read her blog here), whose script writing class I took when I wrote “Piece of Cake” back in 2006. Since then I’ve felt a special bond with her even though we only see each other face-to-face a few times a year. She seems to pop up out of nowhere especially when I need direction in life. We talked a lot about dreams, ambition and life in general. She is very aware that I have a desperate need to feel acknowledgement from other people for my own validation as a human being, because we’ve had this very same conversation 6 years ago when I was making my film. If I’m not successful to other people, then it doesn’t matter how important it was to me. She made a very interesting point that my success from Piece of Cake, and now my weight-loss, has only fed the beast. I think my ultimate challenge is to accept myself, and do things because I want to… not because others will give me recognition for it. The only problem is, I don’t know how to take that on. So it’s time for the inevitable – I need to seek out therapy. I knew it was coming and it only makes sense to get an outside perspective especially during this major life transition that I’m going through. I need to hear someone say that it’s all going to be OK, and that I’m going to be OK. That there is more to life than pretending or putting up a face. That there is nothing wrong with relaxing and just being present in the moment. That I can heal my heart and find love again. Now that I’ve experienced what it’s like to have a partner in life, even if that particular relationship is ending, I definitely want it again. I know it will take time, but love truly is the ultimate goal.
Please take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space. – Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
I promise that I’m not going to start quoting things in every blog post, it’s just that I’ve heard a lot of things worth mentioning again this week. The one above is from a brain scientist’s experience after having a massive stroke. You can click on her name to learn more about her story.
I love a good short sentence that captures exactly how you are feeling, inspires you to be a better person, or gives you hope for the future. Growing up I never really understood the power of words. Since I’ve always considered myself to be a visual artist, it was quite surprising to discover that reading or saying something could be as moving as seeing something. My friend Wade Kwon likes to tease me by saying that I would never, ever call myself a writer… even though it’s apparent that I am. I guess I go back and forth on it, but above all I consider myself an artist. I think my creative abilities can take form in any type of expression (except for acting & singing!). You definitely don’t want me serenading you any time soon. ;)
At the age of 32, I am surrounded by people from all walks of life. People who are married with kids, people who are divorced, single people, those who are content, and those still aiming for the stars. I think that’s the beauty of being in your 30′s, you have a pretty clear perspective of what you’ve left behind and what’s still ahead. You’ve had just enough time to experiment, succeed and fail without having done too much damage. :) I know we aren’t guaranteed another day at any point, so living in the moment is something I have still yet to learn. At least I’m aware of it, and all in due time.
