I’ve been really excited to write this post since my first therapy experience yesterday.  I got a call around 9 a.m. from Andrea, the therapist, saying that she could squeeze me in at 3 in the afternoon.  I wrote her address down on a sheet of scrap paper on my desk and just stared at it all day in anticipation.  I knew she was going to be relatively close by, but I had no idea until I got into my car at 2:45 that she was literally IN MY BUILDING.  The reason why it didn’t immediately click is b/c we never use our physical address for our department, we always use the one for the main building which is currently under construction about a mile away.  So I had no idea of the actual address of where I work every day.  🙂  (Plus it is in a weird area where it doesn’t follow the normal city “grid” system.)  Not only did I realize that her office was in the same building, she was only one floor above me.  How’s that for fate? 

Once I walked into her waiting area, I immediately felt like I was doing something really right for myself.  Her walls were covered by inspirational quotes & positive messages.  There was a peaceful sound machine repeating ocean waves in the background as to not overhear her current session in progress.  I just sat there and took it all in, and knew that she was going to be able to help me in some way.  Once I met her face-to-face and walked into her office, there was a huge sigh of relief.  She was going to take care of me, and she did just that.  Her office was the perfect space to tell my story, full of beautiful tapestries on the walls and plush comfy couches to sit on.  I felt comfortable and at ease.  I told her everything – beginning to end.  But then she began to probe deeper… way beyond just my marriage that is ending.  Why was I locking down in fear?  I wish I could talk about what we discovered, because it’s nothing short of a major breakthrough for me.  She found a problem so deep inside of me that existed way before Mike ever came along… something from my childhood, that even exists in some capacity to this day.  It explains my weight gain in the past, it explains my feelings of exposure after I lost the weight, it even explains why whenever I talk about Mike the most common thing I say is, he made me feel better.  I have a broken identity.  While the circumstances behind what caused this are too personal to speak of, it just boils down to the fact that I have a damaged view of myself.  And it’s totally fixable.  I’m going to be better than fine, and sooner than I could have ever imagined.  I left her office as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I went into her office thinking that I needed grief counseling, but I discovered that the root of my ultimate pain is something completely different.  Sure, I am losing an important person who I’ve loved deeply for 5 whole years… and that pain is very real and but will eventually subside.  But what I can work on right now is myself and learn to love who I really am.  For the first time in several weeks, maybe even months, I am very excited about the future.  🙂  Hope has been found.

Framed quote in Andrea's office.

Framed message in Andrea's office.

Inner Peace