I’ve been entertaining an unusual thought for the past day or two – to stop blogging every day. I almost have a physical reaction to that idea, because it’s become a part of who I am. But that’s why I’m considering it… what if I don’t write? And, why exactly do I write every day anyway? I’ve been feeling a little overexposed lately, but who’s to say that I have to talk about personal things. What am I trying to prove to myself, and to other people? I enjoy it because it makes me feel connected and even accepted on some level. But as I get older I need less acceptance from other people. The flip side is that I really do love to write out ideas and thoughts on life in general, and I have enjoyed the accountability of my commitment. As I become more self-aware though, I have less and less desire to do things just for the sake of doing them. For example, saying “I made a movie with Mo Rocca”, or “I compete in Half Ironmans”, and even case in point, “I have blogged every day for over 600 posts straight.” I feel like sometimes I am trying to sculpt a public image of myself that’s far from the reality of who I really am. Yes, I am capable of doing amazing things. But what if amazing things happen when no one else is there to witnesses them? Does it make it any less amazing? I don’t know. All that to say that I’m not stopping my blog any time soon, but it is a thought I have from time to time. I think it’s healthy to question.
I was talking to my therapist last week about having a “big” personality, and the fact that I’ve labeled myself as such. When I first said it, she agreed with me, but when I said it a second time she asked me how I defined it. I said that I felt like I was loud, extroverted, emotional, expressive, sometimes even a performer. But then I went on to contradict myself by saying that I felt like the real me isn’t that way at all. While I do have a lot of energy that can take form as excitement, I think who I am deep inside is actually a little introverted. The “real” me comes out when I do things around people who I don’t know. I have no problem doing things alone and really enjoying the time by myself. I could travel alone, eat alone, watch movies alone, go do festivals alone, and be completely happy. Probably because I take off that self-imposed pressure on myself to become something I’m not when around others. But there are people who I feel like my true self around – my family for sure, and a very few select number of friends. If you ever see me lounging around without make-up and messy hair, not really feeling inclined to have a conversation, then you are probably experiencing the real me. If you ever see me laugh so hard that I start to cry, you are probably experiencing the real me. I think she needs to come out more… but not for your experience, for my own.