Since I’m not writing everyday anymore, I find that it’s much harder to prioritize and sort through what I would like to write when I do sit down to do it. If I had a bad day before, I didn’t really worry too much about expressing why or why not, as I always knew that I would feel better the next day and rebound with something positive. Now I fear that if I put something out there that isn’t what I feel is a true “average” reflection of me, there will be this lingering negative energy until I go back and set it straight. That may be the superstitious part of my brain working, but it’s something I think about nonetheless. I believe that your outlook determines a great deal of what actually happens for and to you, so while it’s OK to feel down and bad sometimes… it shouldn’t be your permanent state of mind. All that to say – I’m lacking some super positive things to say today.
It’s not that anything bad is going on, it’s more an indifference. And I don’t like indifference. I like to be excited about things, I like to feel that things are moving forward. And while I know that I’m constantly moving forward, whether I want to or not, sometimes it feels like a snail’s pace. It’s kind of like that quote from When Harry Met Sally – “…when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” And in my situation it’s not a specific “somebody,” but more of an idea or a concept of what I want my life to be. But maybe what we think should happen to us and what actually happens to us are very different things… and sometimes better than what we could have ever imagined for ourselves. I’m sure when I’m 80 that I could have never anticipated some of the paths that life ended up taking me on, and I’m also fairly certain that I wouldn’t want to change what was “my life.” I think wants and desires are more of a compass to lead us in the right direction, but the destination isn’t always clear. I also feel like the bad days are what make the good days so wonderful. Otherwise, how would we know the difference? Learning what you like and don’t like, want and don’t want through trial and error leads to better decisions, higher living and greater experiences. Life is one giant, complicated and fascinating experience… if nothing else.